sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
