Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
