i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Randomize
