so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
