So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
