My liver just broke up with me...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
