Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
