tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
