well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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