Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
