we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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