My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
