I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
