dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
