You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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