Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize