I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
