White coat. Heels.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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