Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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