I checked into jail on foursquare
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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