you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
