i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
