In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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