so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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