yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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