im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
