i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
