Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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