He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize