i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize