Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
