my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
