So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
