You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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