If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
