I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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