I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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