I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
