My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
