Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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