I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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