we're chasing vodka with high fives
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
