Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
