ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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