so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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