hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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