we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
