I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
