I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
