it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Four minutes until I can fart!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
