Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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