I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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