I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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