he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
