This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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