sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
