you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
